Saturday, April 4, 2009

Therapy ...

I've long told people (maybe even preached) that therapy is something that everyone needs. Whether you are bipolar, depressed or have no history of psychiatric illness, therapy can help you learn more about yourself, help you control your triggers (for me stress) and overall add to your sense of well being. As long as you are working with a good therapist who you trust.

It may come as a shock to some people who know me to find out that I actually haven't seen a therapist in years (at least 3 years). So why not? My last therapist was great, but I moved across the state. And honestly I have trust issues. I find it very hard to trust both doctors and psychologists. And honestly as someone who scores fairly high on IQ tests it is hard for me to trust in a doctor who I feel isn't at least as smart as I am (I know this sounds egotistical - and maybe it is).

I've been bouncing around for months between depression, stability and hypomania. I am so ready for it to get back to normal. I've said it a million times on this blog, but before having my daughter I was stable for almost 5 years. I had actually started to think that maybe I wasn't really bipolar.

Earlier this week I had to call my psychiatrist after-hours, which is something I try and never do. I was slightly hypomanic and was crawling out of my skin. I was so angry and irritable about everything. And yet at the same time I was sad and could cry at a moment's notice. I guess I was in a mixed state. During our conversation my Dr. asked if I had thought about going back into therapy.

So I decided to call my old therapist and was disheartened to find out he can't see me right now. He is the only therapist I've ever trusted. I felt such a connection with him. And he was amazing with me. I saw him off and on for 6 years. I guess I wasn't just dishearten I am devastated. The the one person I trust isn't available to me any longer.

And now I don't know where to turn. He recommended that I see someone else in his office, but honestly I just can't do that. I wouldn't be able to walk into that waiting room and see someone else. Not to mention that I don't want to drive two hours to see someone new.

I had such a great relationship with my therapist ... really great. And I guess now that I've been gone for so long, that's over. And I am mourning the loss.

So the question I now have, should I look for someone else? Can I even start over again? Would I want to start over again? Therapy makes me feel raw and exposed. And the only way to make progress is to open yourself up to someone completely.

And if I decide to go into therapy again, where do I start? I found my old therapist through a friend's recommendation, these days I don't even know who I'd ask to begin to search for a new one.

So I want to ask my readers, how do you pick a new therapist?