This Thanksgiving, I'm Grateful For ...

I'm grateful for ... the fact that I was finally blessed with motherhood. The journey hasn't necessarily been easy, but it has 100% been worth it. I can't describe the amount of joy that I get from raising my daughter.

I'm grateful for my supportive husband. If it wasn't for my husband I would not be alive. And I mean that in the sense that he actually has saved my life at least twice. I sometimes worry that living with me must sometimes feel like a huge burden, but he always assures me that I'm worth it. And that every marriage comes with struggles. Our struggles always seem to stem around my bipolar disorder.

I'm grateful for modern medicine and science. If I was alive in a different century ago, I probably would have been locked up in a mental institution. Not so today. I live a productive, successful life and medication helps me live that life.

I'm grateful for having a good doctor who I trust. Having a psychiatrist who trully looks out for your best interest isn't always easy to find. My doctor went above and beyond when I told him I wanted to start a family. He even consulted with a few experts at managing medications during pregnancy ... he doesn't just look things up in one book ... he goes the extra mile. If anyone reading this lives in South Florida - I have a great doctor to recommend in Boca Raton. I like him so much that I drive from Naples for my appointments (it's about a two hour drive).

I'm grateful for my physical health. I am strong like bull and healthy as a horse.

I hope that next year I can say that I am grateful for mood stability. I know I will get back on track where I'm not switching between depression and hypomania - I just don't know how long it will take.

Just when you think you are getting better ...

So I thought I was really handling things well and working really hard to stay on track. Then went to see my shrink and I guess was put in my place.

I was told that as someone who has been diagnosed as bipolar 1 with psychosis my little hypomania can become full blown mania is just one day. I begged my doctor to just give me a few days to get my sleep under control. I know if I can get my sleep regulated my energy level will go down.

He said OK, increased my Ativan. And made me agree that if I don't see improvement I will go on Zyprexa. He is going to check to see if it is compatible with breastfeeding. I hated Zyprexa it made me gain a lot of water weight and made me so hungry that I ate all the time and gained a lot of weight. It took me years to lose the weight I gained on Zyprexa and Depakote.

I am so disappointed in myself. I tried so hard to stay well. And now this. I mean I know that I cannot 100% control my illness. But I did well for so long. Then I got postpartum depression and now may be hypomanic. And I know that this wouldn't be happening if I hadn't messed with my medicine and had the hormonal swings. Although my baby is 100% worth it.

I just hope that I can get better soon.

Sleep walking Vs. Blacking Out on Ambien

I spoke with my doctor yesterday about my Ambien incident. And he said I wasn't really asleep at all. It is more like I was "drunk" on Ambien. So I basically blacked out and do not recall anything. He said it would be similar to if I had gotten drunk enough on alcohol to blackout.

So now I am taking Ativan for a few days. My doctor felt it would be better than Ambien anyway because Ativan has some anti-manic properties so it will help me sleep and help me ensure I do not escalate. I took it last night and felt great in the morning. I felt rested and calmer.