I was so happy when the depression lifted and things could get back to normal. And I was fortunate to have several good weeks ... and now things are on the upswing.
As usual the problem started with sleep. On Wednesday I got a stomach bug or food poisoning of some sort. And I didn't sleep all night ... because I was glued to the toilet. Yes, I know too much information.
I am not a good daytime napper. So I was basically up for 36 hours. Not good for me at all. Then on Thursday my baby was restless all night because of a new tooth coming in. So there are two really bad days of sleep.
And now I feel hypomanic. I only slept for 3.5 hours last night. Why? Because I couldn't turn my mind off. I was worrying about the financial crisis (I am one of those people with two houses because one has not sold), the upcoming election (I am very worried about who will be elected), the future of my consulting business (due to the economic climate I have lost two big clients in the last two months) and the state of my marriage (which is mostly strong however I am extremely irritable due to lack of sleep and the hypomania and I've begun resenting that my husband gets to sleep in and do this and that).
And now once again I feel like a failure. I promised myself that I would stay mentally stable for my daughter. I don't want her to have memories of a "crazy" mother. And now after having a few nights of bad sleep I'm getting sick. And the sad part is some of me is happy because at least I have energy to get things done -- which I have lacked the last few months because of the depression.
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My son was born on 10/1/08 and I have Bipolar II. After a scary miscarriage a year ago I found a psych. doc who specializes with women/ depression/ hormones/ pregnancy. I had taken myself off of meds when I first got pregnant before I miscarried and the fallout afterwords was really scary so I knew I needed treatment if I was to get pregnant again. I was on Lamictal throughout the entire pregnancy and have a wonderful healthy baby boy. I'm relieved to say that with the exception of the emotional roller coaster of the first few weeks postpartum, I've so far been spared from PPD. Thank God. I am however really struggling with the sleep deprivation. My Psych. doc said the #1 cause of PPD & mania postpartum is lack of 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep for at least 2 nights a week. For 5 months now I think I've only had that maybe 3 times. My husband sleeps like a LOG and although he's willing to help he won't wake up when the baby cries to be fed or whatever. I'm so freeking exhausted I don't know what to do. I'm getting ready to go the way of "crying it out" because I just can't take it anymore. Last night I had a moment of clarity though. I realized that when I am too tired and haven't napped during the day, I have very little patience for soothing the screaming baby at 1am, 2:30am, 4:30am, 5:30am and so on. Last night I felt myself getting angry that none of my soothing was working and it seemed that he just cried longer and harder. I realized that I had to just let go, and it was safer for him and me that I just lay down in my bed and let him scream, as opposed to me trying harder and harder and failing. Thankfully my husband had it in him to be patient and help him settle down. I think it was a really good thing for me to be honest with myself and my husband that I was getting pissed at my sweet boy and just let it go so that it didn't escalate into me yelling at the poor little guy, or anything else that happens when you're totally exhausted beyond belief, frustrated and angry. I'm open to any suggestions on this. I find baby books a general waste of time because they're filled with conflicting advice.
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with Lamictal and pregnancy! It's given me some much needed peace of mind.
I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
And you et an account on Twitter?
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