Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Missing Mania?

There is a really interesting article at BP Hope Magazine called "Missing My Mania." Read it here

I was really stricken by these two paragrapghs:
I feel unpopular...
Mania makes you feel like the “it” girl or boy. But in remission, you’re just another pudgy neighbor on a quiet cul-de-sac.


AND
I can no longer crank out three magazine articles a day.
Mania brings energy! I can’t stay up all night. I’m so sluggish when I’m in remission. It’s the sluggishness of the average man and/or woman. I’m Average.


They are really such true statements. I felt like I was so much of a more interesting person when I was hypomanic. Not so much when I was manic. The last time I was manic I was completely delusional with lovely hallucinations. Apparently I used to think I was speaking to "Indians on the Plains" clearly I didn't realize what decade we were in. I also was paranoid that people were out to get me ... so clearly not feeling very popular then.

One particulary interesting thing was during my last bad mania five years ago I had these ideas that I would publish a magazine for bipolar people. I even met with some magazine publishers that I know. No one I talked to thought it was a viable business. So it is really funny that a couple years later BP Hope came out -- a magazine for bipolar people!

I do sometimes wish that I could have a "little" hypomania so that I could get more done during the day - so that I could feel more confident about myself.

And then I remember that hypomania can escalate to psychosis. And I don't ever want to find myself crawling on the floor of the psych ward because I am too doped up to walk. I'm grateful that I don't remember much of being in that state. The brief flashbacks I get are enough. How much do I really want to remember about being treated like a non-person in a hospital, being so overmedicated that I could barely walk out without my husband physically supporting me.

Now that I am responsible for a precious little baby I know I will always take my illness more seriously. I can't let myself get seduced into the upside of hypomania. I can't image having a childhood memory of my daughter's be visiting mommy in the hospital. I know the reality is that I will most likely at some point in the next few years have an episode ... I just hope that I'm able to catch it before it gets too bad.

Do any of you ever long for a little mania? Feel free to email me at bipolarpregnancy @ gmail . com
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